The Burden Unbearable
by LeviAckerman42
Summary: Commander Erwin deals with the stress that no one can truly imagine. His life revolves around mental beatings of watching his friends and brethren die, as well as from the townspeople who accuse him of killing their own families with poor leadership. Erwin is not a man of true weakness, but even the strongest can sometimes snap. Rated T for language.


**I have a lot of free time on my hands this week, so I will be writing a lot of fanfiction hopefully. My friend and I do a text messaging roleplay, and we happened to think about Erwin a bit, feeling bad for him and everything. The poor man has to deal with so much stress in his life, that and the townspeople who scream at his failures. If requested, I will make this into a regular fic, though I believe it works best as a one-shot. Please review!**

The troops of the Survey Corps had ended their long expedition with no new means of information and hardly any kills. Towards the titans at least. The troops had left with thirty members, coming back with only nine total. Commander Erwin Smith looked around at the half dead faces that were scoring over the last of the troops; some ran happily towards their family members and friends. Mothers embraced their children in tight squeezes and wives praised for the return of their husbands. Beyond these joyful reunions lied the tear-stained faces of widows and orphans. A mother grasped the cloak of her dead daughter while the father stood nearby, glaring daggers into Erwin.

Erwin paled and looked away from the horrid sight as he tried to block out the screams and accusations that were thrown at him. "Who the hell made you a commander!?" yelled a widow. "Who the fucking hell put you in charge of my husband!?" He continued to block out the world until the woman charged at his horse, yanking him off and grabbing his shirt collar. "Hugo is dead now because of your poor leadership skills! Are you proud of- "I had no control over your husband's death," interrupted Erwin as he laid a hand on her shoulder. "I try to keep as many troops as I can," he turned away, "but leading an army is more difficult than you may think."

With that being said, Erwin left the widow to her tears and hopped back onto his horse. He could still hear the screams of protest towards him as he rode away. Sharp pinprick-like feelings showered over his skin. The townspeople would throw rocks at him, children kicking dirt at his legs and puffing it in his face. Some of the folk would hurl stale bread at his head and try to knock him off of his horse while the braver protesters would simply shove him off. Erwin could remember a few times when people threw butcher knives and even fired guns, twice hitting him.

He began to ride faster as the rocks made cuts into his skin; tiny reminders of his failure towards humanity once again. With a sigh, Erwin rode into the stables and shakily dismounted from his horse. He was feeling ill and weak from the lack of sleep and stress that weighed on him. Leaning against his horse, he stared at the remaining troops. "I'm sorry for the loss of your friends, but I thank you for your imminent bravery in this mission." Each of the troops saluted to him, even the ones with only one arm left saluted the commander, who stared in horror at an act of honor that he did not deserve.

Erwin left the stables, his mind a tangled mess as he trudged along the frosting ground, thinking of all of the friends he had made. Then he thought of how many would die by his poor commands. The thought made him fall into an even deeper despair. His chest began to ache and the ground appeared closer than it really was, then suddenly everything turned black.

* * *

_*In his dream*_

_ He stood atop an entire army of men and women, some half eaten and some were only dead because of their own fear. Erwin stared at the braver ones. He saw Levi and Hanji, Petra and Mike, all of the ones he had grown to care for. Among the less brave ones lay trainees that were fresh out of their studies. His clipboard shook in his hand as he stared at the ages and names of each of the dead soldiers. Some were as young as fifteen, and he would have to tell a mother or father that their child was dead, the newly wed wife that her husband had died in combat._

_ The worst part being that he would lie to each of them, saying they were helpful in the battle, when really they were cowards who couldn't wait to survive a battle by doing nothing to help. All of them would kick him and scream in his face at the horrible news and say he was a horrible being that didn't deserve to live. All of them were right. All of them were right…_

* * *

He screamed, jumping out of the infirmary bed and scaring half of the doctors in the room. Erwin sat back down as his head spun, a doctor walked over to him. "One of the troops found you lying on the ground and brought you here. You apparently blacked out on your way back." Erwin sighed and stood up slowly. "I will be in my office if I am needed," he said before anyone could stop him from leaving.

* * *

The office was unwelcoming and cold as he stepped in. Paperwork scattered over his desk, and some of the floor, made him cringe at the untidy life he was turning to. Erwin stumbled to the small wooden chair near the desk and sat, eyes piercing the wall. He picked up some of the paperwork and stared at the names of almost every dead recruit he had sent on that awful mission, the guilt soon filled his mind. Pain racked his chest as his vision blurred.

Erwin panicked slightly and called for help, yet no one came for him. _Maybe I'm not even speaking_, he told himself. _Maybe…I'm already dead… _Erwin became less conscious of his actions; scattering papers every which way as his hand made a jerking motion outwards. His seat thudded over as he fell on the floor, coughing and gasping for help as his body began to shake. His muscles threw him into a fit of rapid convulsions and shaking as he tried to stop the seizure with pure force. After what seemed like hours, but could have only been minutes, Erwin began to slowly calm as the shaking reduced to trembles.

He had let this own stressors overwhelm him. His body ached as he stood from his place on the floor, trying desperately to not bring his desk down with him as he propped a hand on it. Looking down on the papers he had scattered, he noticed the next date for their journey. _Exactly one month away…_ he told himself. _Exactly one month away from another burden…_

**I have very little to say to this except for the fact that I just feel really bad for Erwin. I hope you enjoyed it!**


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